An Update: My No Contact Experience

Back in early January, I reported that I was in my fourth month of no contact with my ex, and I shared with you how it felt to be in no contact.

My ex decided to go back to an abusive ex-boyfriend late last summer, but she never formally told me that she was leaving me. You see, she wanted me to remain in her life as a friend.

We had been great friends for many years prior to early 2018 when we fell in love and entered into a romantic relationship.

When I learned that my ex had in effect betrayed me, I told her that friendship with her was out of the question. And I announced that I was leaving her life for a long time.

Maybe, in her cockeyed view of the world, she thinks it was me who broke things off with her. Regardless, that evening last summer remains the last time we spoke.

If you’ve been rooting for me and hoping that my ex reached out to me by now, I’m sorry to disappoint you.

She has not. The good news is that I don’t care.

Every day it gets easier

Here’s even better news for all of you going through no contact: I can definitely tell you that in my experience, it does get easier every day.

Keep in mind that setback days will occur. On these days you may feel like you’re back at square one and really missing your ex. It’s pretty awful, I know.

But providentially, these setback days will occur less and less frequently the longer you’re in no contact. And the bounce-back days that surely follow will return you to your present, hard-won state of mind.

By the time you’ve been in no contact as long as I have, you’ll have gained lots of ground. On your setback days, you may fear you’ve gone backward.

But you haven’t!

Setback days are temporary. When they come, endure the setback for a day or two, and then you’ll bounce right back to the present.

I went through a few setback days in early to mid-February. For the first time during no contact, I was sorely tempted to contact my ex.

Last year, we had fun watching the Super Bowl together. Before we dated, she didn’t understand football at all, so I taught her about the game and she really liked it. She was cheering for the Eagles on Super Bowl Sunday; I was pulling for the Patriots.

Her guys won and she teased me that I wasn’t such a savvy football expert after all. On Valentine’s Day, I pulled off a nifty surprise that she said melted her heart.

So, I was reminiscing back to 2018, and in a weak moment, I wrote her an email that told her I still cared for her and that I expected us to resume our friendship at some point down the road.

The all-important 72-hour rule

Not to worry. I did not send the email. Instead, I invoked the 72-hour rule, a critical rule that I created and which I recommend that everyone follows.

Here’s the rule: if you ever want to break no contact, you must go 72 consecutive hours where you do not waver one bit on the decision. If any doubt creeps in your mind during those 72 hours, you must reset the clock to a new 72 hours.

You can’t break no contact unless your decision to do so remains firm for 72 straight hours. Chances are, you’ll always realize what a bad decision it is to break no contact during any 72-hour stretch, and you’ll never break no contact.

In my case, the day after I drafted the email, I came to my senses and realized that my ex was the one who decided that I was expendable.

She didn’t deserve that email. I reset the 72-hour clock, and there it stays. I haven’t been tempted to contact my ex again since. In fact, as of this writing, telling my ex that I still care wouldn’t be true. I don’t feel those caring romantic longings anymore.

Back in January, as my article then states, I did still harbor in-love feelings for my ex. I don’t think I can honestly say that I love my ex anymore. Mind you, I’m still not 100 percent over her, but I am far, far along the path to indifference.

What a liberating feeling!

I am no longer preoccupied thinking about my ex constantly. Most of the time, I don’t miss her at all.

I certainly don’t miss the way she held me at arm’s length toward the end of our relationship. I was miserable when we first broke up. I am no longer miserable.

I feel happiness and peace a lot of times during the day. It does seem weird sometimes that we are no longer friends.

But it doesn’t bother me and it is my feelings that I’m concerned with. I don’t care if she misses my friendship. I don’t care if she thought I was a hardass when I walked out of her life.

I don’t care if she misses our conversations, my kindness, my support, my advice, my humor, my caring, my love. I remember how devious she was the last month of our relationship.

I no longer admire her. I no longer respect her. Truth be told, I don’t think I even like her very much.

I still write down my feelings in a journal, but not every day. This is a sign that things are bothering me less. I no longer visit those websites that give advice for getting your ex back.

That’s another positive sign. During the first few months after our breakup, I would have taken my ex back in the proverbial New-York minute. Now, I realize how emotionally damaged my ex was. I don’t think she’s capable of a healthy one-on-one romantic relationship.

I would never give my ex the chance to hurt me again. I would never marry her; I would not want to live with her. Maybe I could be friends with benefits with her, but that would be a shallow, hedonistic relationship in which I would take more than I would give.

Yes, that’s how little I respect her now.

I’m fine with never speaking with her again

I’m okay with leaving our friendship on the trash heap. It is nice to know—and to feel it in my heart—that I don’t need her in my life.

I suspect that she respects me much more than she did the night of our breakup. But it’s fine if she doesn’t. It’s fine if she’s forever pissed at me for reneging on my promise to always be friends. It’s fine whether she loves me or loathes me.

I surmise that one thing that keeps her from reaching out is her fear that I’ll be mean to her. I wouldn’t be mean; I would be polite, but purposely aloof. I don’t think she would recognize the new version of myself.

I would not go out of my way to do things for her now; a year ago there’s nothing that I wouldn’t have done for her.

If I had to guess, I would predict that my ex will contact me someday, but I don’t think we’ll ever be as close as we once were.

It really doesn’t matter to me, though. In my experience, I’ve pretty much learned that once things go sideways with someone, things can never be recalibrated to the way they were.

The real benefit of no contact is not to try to make your ex miss you, rather it is to enable yourself to see your ex and the situation more clearly. Another very important benefit of no contact is that it breaks your addiction to your ex.

And yes, being in love is like an addiction.

No contact has enabled me to see reality

When I was romantically involved with my ex, I projected numerous qualities onto her that she doesn’t have.

I remember once telling her that she was perfect and believing it. How far from the truth that was! During these valuable months of no contact, I see that my ex has a penchant for lying and deceit.

She’s flighty and fickle and unstable. She was perhaps the worst partner I ever had, even though there were times I felt incredibly happy to be in her company.

I see that my ex has low self-esteem because she went back to an ex who treated her horribly in the past. With that in mind, perhaps I should have more compassion for her, but she had zero compassion for me when she betrayed me.

I don’t regret leaving her life, and I don’t regret staying out of her life. I am better off today than a year ago when we were “in love.” Note the quotation marks around those last two words.

I have a hard time saying that we were in love, because our relationship was so fleeting and she proved so unworthy of my affection. While it is true that I’ve released a lot of the bitterness that I was feeling toward my ex, I no longer hold her in very high regard.

I see her as an average person, at best.

My advice: hold firm. Do not break no contact!

Time is your best friend. With the passage of days, weeks, and months, you will gain a renewed respect for yourself and you will begin to see your ex as he or she really is. If your ex broke up with you, do not give that person the time of day, unless he or she reaches out to you first.

Do not feed your ex’s ego. Do not beg. Do not plead. Do not chase. Remember—let your ex learn the lesson of missing you.

And if he or she doesn’t miss you, there is nothing you can do to change that. In time, you may well be missed. For now, be your own best friend. Do things that bring you even the smallest pleasure and joy.

Do not let an unworthy person shape your moods or sour you on relationships. You write your own story; you shape your own destiny. By letting you go, your ex proved that he or she has no value to your life.

For however long your ex does not reach out to you, do not reach out to him or her. Do not give your ex value, recognition, or attention. None is deserved.

No contact after 150+ days

Here are some snippets from my journal, written after I’ve been in no contact for more than 150 days. You’ll note a marked contrast to my journal entries from those that I posted in my January article.

You can see that my feelings for my ex have dramatically lessened.

“Not much to say. She is a mild irritation now. I am no longer miserable over her. Not even close. I should have ditched her much sooner, but so what? She’s gone. She went back to that ex, who tried to hurt her dozens of times. Something is seriously wrong with her, but I can’t fix her, nor do I want to anymore.”

“What she did erased all of the good feelings going all the way back. It wiped everything out, washed the slate clean. All the talks we had, all the sex we had, all the caring between us. It all means nothing now.”

“She used to tell me how wonderful I was to her, and that I was the sweetest boy she ever met. Do I regret throwing shade on her and showing her that I’m not sweet on her anymore? No. She ruined it for herself.”

“She isn’t the kind of person that I could ever take seriously again. I don’t have any respect for her and I’m pissed that I let her affect me at all. She was so undeserving of everything I ever gave her. She isn’t the kind of girl who appreciates a decent guy.”

“I think there will be times when she would love to have me talk to her and comfort her. But that’s just not going to happen. She betrayed me and that was her last chance with me. My unconditional love for her ended when that happened.”

“I used to think that part of me would always love her. But I don’t think I do.”

“She said she was ‘so happy’ when I told her that I would always be her friend. And then I snatched that away from her. Good. She once said it would suck if we never talked again. Well, she brought this on to herself. She created it. Now she can live it.”

“She must miss me, and a lot more than I miss her. She lost more. I didn’t lose much at all. She lost her best friend. I lost a liar and a deceiver. That’s what she was in the end. I can’t put it any plainer than that. And if she never contacts me again, it’s her loss, not mine. But I will never be the first one to reach out.”

“Every day gets me further away from those days and how disrespectful she was to me. She misses me I’m sure at times. A lot more than I miss her which is pretty much not at all lately.”

“We are done. I’m not madly in love with her anymore. My feelings are a fraction of what they were.”

“I wish I could like her. Once I’m fully over her, it could have been possible to maybe offer her some kind of support. But once I’m totally indifferent, I kind of doubt I’ll like her enough to want to be friends. How can you be friends with someone that you don’t like and don’t admire and don’t respect? That’s the thing. Before we had a relationship, I liked her SO much. And that intense like for her has just vanished.”

My no contact experience – the first four months.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.