The no contact rule can be classified into three different no contact stages. I will categorize these three stages of no contact for the dumpee by the intensity of grief, anxiety, pain, and self-improvement.
Dumpees go through painful emotional upheavals after the breakup. In this article, I will define the long-term effects of stress and anxiety and explain how you can utilize depression to your advantage.
Stages of grief, anxiety, and improvements are represented in chronological order from the moment the dumpee starts following the indefinite no contact. Here are the 3 painful stages of no contact for the dumpee.
1)The withdrawal
The first of the three stages of no contact for the dumpee is the withdrawal stage. During this stage, the dumpee suffers extreme withdrawals, mood swings and experiences all sorts of negative emotions.
Because the dumpee is in denial, he desperately tries to reason with himself and convince himself his relationship is not over just yet.
A day or two after the breakup, his emotions of grief overcome the dumpee and he begins to feel the consequences of the breakup grief.
Panic during waking hours is one of the most common symptoms a dumpee usually goes through in the withdrawal stage. The dumpee feels as if he’s sinking deep into the abyss of his own thoughts and emotions, caused by endless worrying.
The what ifs, coulds, and shoulds plague the conscious mind of the abandoned warrior so strongly, the dumpee begins to fall deep into depression.
A person experiencing post-breakup withdrawals will experience both physical and emotional symptoms.
Symptoms of emotional withdrawals
- Anxiety: Fear of losing a person, panic attacks, restlessness, impatience, loss of short term memory and poor concentration
- Depression: Social segregation, extreme discontent, fatigue, loss of appetite, no interest in oneself
Symptoms of physical withdrawals
The dangers of withdrawals
Anybody suffering for breakup withdrawals is at increased risk of:
- heart attack
- stroke
- high blood pressure
- burnout
- loss of short and long-term memory
- severe depression
- psychological long-term consequences
- drastic gain of weight or weight loss
- gastrointestinal problems, such as ulcers
- inconsistent sleeping patterns
- muscular and joint issues, such as arthritis
- weakened immune system
- change in sex drive
- accelerated aging
- premature death
Dumpee in the withdrawal stage of no contact for the dumpee is prone to many of the above-listed symptoms and diseases.
In general, stress is a huge deteriorator to any human being and must be dealt with swiftly and efficiently. There are many ways of dealing with stress, anxiety, and depression. I personally practice Dale Carnegie’s principle of battling worry. It goes like this.
If you want to conquer fear, don’t sit at home and think about it. Go out and get busy.
dale carnegie, the leader in you
The first stage of no contact for the dumpee lasts about a week and can sometimes even go up to two weeks. If it goes longer than that, please make sure to seek professional help and get your anxiety levels under control.
You can do so by getting in touch with:
- psychologists
- psychiatrists
- general health doctors
- therapists
- anyone with mental health knowledge
2)Depression and improvement
In the 2nd stage of no contact for the dumpee, the slow and steady healing process finally begins.
After getting knocked down to the ground and being at his lowest for a week or two, the dumpee enters a stage of depression. In this stage, he becomes utterly obsessed with his ex and oftentimes starts looking for excuses to reach out.
Since the dumpee is convinced it’s his fault the breakup occurred, he feels tempted to apologize and reason with the dumper.
The dumpee believes if his ex gave him just one more chance, he would surely make things right. Suddenly, the dumpee would be willing to put up with his ex’s behavior, lower his standards and become a better person.
He’d be happy as long as he can get his daily fix (his ex back).
The broken-hearted dumpee in the depression stage of no contact chases happiness from the person that is the least willing to give it to him when he should strongly focus inwardly on his well-being and the people that care about him.
Exposure to stress in the depression stage
Every second you spend worrying, you spend killing yourself. The emotional anguish in your brain is sending signals throughout your body, affecting organs and body parts.
Excessive worrying causes many health issues and diseases that otherwise wouldn’t befall. Most of the time, we can feel these changes and other times, they appear on a subliminal level.
Here are a few body parts that are likely affected by stress as a result of your breakup.
Overanalyzing
In the depression stage of no contact, the dumpee becomes so fixated on his ex, he thinks about his ex’s every move.
Everything his ex says and does, the dumpee analyzes in and out. If the dumper does something as little as changing her lipstick, the dumpee immediately thinks of a hundred reasons why his ex may be acting so out of character.
Very often exes truly act out of character, and other times, it’s the dumpee’s brain overthinking and making things harder than it has to be.
Self-improvement
Since dumpees are empowered by the desperation to improve themselves, many dumpees consciously, as well as subconsciously open the doors to self-improvement.
Reading articles, videos and doing lots of thinking, enables them to grow immensely and rewire their beliefs.
This is something that occurs without the dumpee’s knowledge as the dumpee has no choice but to sit and reflect on his past words and actions.
Ruminating day and night changes the dumpee’s views on many aspects of life, and most importantly, alters his understanding of emotions.
When the dumpee understands why saying this or doing that is bad, he changes his mind in a way that he himself doesn’t even comprehend.
If we consider the fact that what we say and do is preconceived in our minds, we can state that when one changes his thoughts, he changes his emotions.
And once emotions change, so do his actions and reactions.
This means that dumpees have the ability to easily change themselves and the way they feel toward people. With some soul-searching, things that bothered, annoyed and angered dumpees before the breakup, will no longer affect them after.
Changing yourself as a person isn’t just about your external things. Far from that. It’s mainly about you as a person.
It can be anything that makes you unique or anything that makes your characteristics shine. An this, dear reader, is the essence of personal development.
5 conditions for personal improvement
The depression stage of no contact for the dumpee is so very, very powerful.
Although I don’t have any proof other than my personal observations, I can proclaim that what you read, hear and see in no contact’s depression stage, you are likely to remember and store in your long-term memory.
This hypothesis actually has a very simple explanation. Your brain is desperately looking for answers, knowledge, and improvement and will, therefore, learn at an increased rate.
How much faster, I’m not entirely sure. If I had to guess, I would say 10-20 times faster than under any other condition. Perhaps even faster.
The point is that those who want to improve and learn will reach their goals many times faster than those who don’t do anything. I suppose we are biologically wired to learn the most when we experience something shocking.
This implies that when we are in pain and go through a negative ordeal, we are much more likely to remember it for a lifetime.
And when we store it in our long-term memory, we coincidentally reprogram ourselves in a way that we won’t repeat the same mistake again.
Here are the 5 conditions under which dumpees, dumpers and any living creature with the capacity to memorize learn the most.
There is truly no better way to improve at anything in life than when we are forced to. We hate how it makes us feel so we know it’s something we must do to increase our chances with the dumper and facilitate our breakup pain.
It goes without saying that those who seek answers and engage their brains reap the best results. This has been proven many times in numerous studies.
Take my following words seriously. Time spent learning new skills and improving aspects of ourselves that we know we fall short in, is time well spent. So use the breakup depression time seriously and make a few positive changes (or as many as you can).
Setbacks
Setbacks are dumpees’ worst nightmare. They begin in the depression stage of no contact for the dumpee. The reason why they are so horrible is that the dumpees’ mood fluctuates like a ship in the Pacific Ocean.
One day they are happy and alive and the next day, they get hit bit a huge wave of depression—also known as setbacks.
Setback days can last for many months. They do, however, have a silver lining to them. Every time a dumpee recovers from a setback, he detaches from his ex a little bit. This means that setbacks are a sign of healing and improving.
3)Recovery
The third and last stage of no contact for the dumpee occurs once the dumpee is out of the depression stage and finally thinks about himself again.
He may not be fully over the breakup, but he’s definitely not hung up on his ex to the point of obsession. In the recovery stage, the subliminal (unintentional) personal development stops altogether.
Alternatively, the dumpee continues learning at his own pace like every other person in this world.
Since the dumpee is free of anxiety, he once again finds hobbies and activities to engage in. He is ready to date again and opens up to new love opportunities.
It can take the dumpee 8 months or sometimes even longer to get over the breakup. We could say his recovery time depends greatly on what he does and who he spends his time with.
For a person to reach the recovery stage of no contact for the dumpee, he must meet certain breakup conditions.
Recovery stage conditions and positive factors
There are 5 conditions that greatly contribute to the recovery stage of no contact for the dumpee. Here they are.
I noticed that people that follow these principles after the breakup recover much better and quicker than people who don’t.
If you’re recovering from a devastating breakup, give these principles a try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. They won’t just help you become the best version of yourself, but they might also impress your ex and other people you converse with.
Once the dumpee has finally healed and is past the stages of grief, he no longer sees his ex as the one and only mighty being in the world.
He notices his ex has flaws just like everybody else and acknowledges he was not the only one responsible for the breakup.
The time spent away from his ex allows the dumpee to learn from his mistakes and form a clear picture of his ex and her shortcomings.
Recovery stage improvements
At some point, dumpees begin to notice changes within them. This usually occurs in the recovery stage of no contact for the dumpee when the dumpee finally reaps his well-earned rewards.
Often the dumpee’s friends and family will be the first ones to notice a change in the dumpee as it can be peculiarly difficult to notice your own changes.
Since you improve a little bit every day, it becomes a part of you very quickly and you fail to notice every little detail. You will likely notice changes you’ve made in no contact when you are presented with a problem.
Friends and family, on the other hand, recognize your efforts much quicker because they see you from a completely different perspective. The things they will most likely notice at first is the appearance, followed by new hobbies, behavior and thought patterns.
Here is a comparison between the old and the new you in stages of no contact.
When the dumpee continuously works on himself after the breakup, it’s impossible for him not to evolve into a better person. Even if he just wishes to feel better and doesn’t do “too” much to better himself, he will develop new beliefs and learn from his lessons.
As you may already know by now, desperation drives people above and beyond. That’s why most dumpees reach new goals much faster and easier than dumpers.
For personal change to become a permanent characteristic, 2 conditions have to be met:
- The intensity of the desire for change has to be strong enough
- Sufficient amount of time has to go by
That’s it. It’s so simple, yet most people don’t change much, or at all. They remain the same for years. Such people age on the outside, but not on the inside.
We can say that without a proper reason to change, people don’t need to. When you were in a relationship with your ex, you didn’t feel the need to change either. You were simply happy and minding your own business.
Unfortunately, this is something rejection does to us. The abandonment of our romantic partner destroys our ego so we have no choice but to pick up the pieces and build ourselves up from the beginning.
“Luckily,” the best way to permanently improve ourselves isn’t to keep adding stones on top of our collapsing castle. The best way to improve is by destroying the precarious pieces and build ourselves up from scratch.
Before the breakup, we indeliberately became someone. After the breakup, we get to choose who we want to be.
Which of the 3 stages of no contact for the dumpee are you in? Post your comment below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Zan, it is now almost a year later. Thank you so much for your article and your words of wisdom & support. They helped me more than you can ever imagine. After many months of no contact he reached out to me to re-establish our friendship. We are now friends again but this time around I have set into place very definitive boundaries. I could not find it within myself to delete him entirely from my life – perhaps that was weakness? but after much thought and soul-searching I decided to only focus on the positive things he has brought into my life. I only respond to his contact when it is right for me and I feel strong.
Thank you again – you are amazing. Gretchen
Hi Gretchen.
Time flies, doesn’t it? As long as you benefit from friendship and don’t get hurt by it, you can talk to your ex from time to time. I don’t suggest you talk to him all the time though because it could reopen your wounds.
I don’t know if not deleting him was a weakness. You probably focused on his positive traits so much that you couldn’t bring yourself to delete him. You thought the losses would outweigh the gains.
Best,
Zan
My ex and i broke up in april but have been friends since. the lines were definitely blurred over the summer and we did hook up a few times (last time was july). she broke up with me and thinks that we have our own personal things we need to work on because there was resentments forming because of past hurts. i did agree at the time but was hopeful we would eventually get back together. she did make a comment originally about having that possibility and as the summer went on that possibility stayed but it was “significantly longer than a year needs to go by” she also thinks we need to date other people which we did discuss what yo do if the other gets involved with someone else. i had expressed i wanted to know, and had asked several times (the last time being sometime in august.) this week we both found out the other slept with someone else. i also found out tho that she did in july and lied to me about it when i asked. i think that hurts the most, that she lied. i think it threw us both off guard and hit us harder than we anticipated but she expressed needing to go no contact and while i do agree some dumb part of me wants to have hope. tuesday we decided no contact so i cried myself to sleep. yesterday she texted me about exchanging belongings and needing to get it completed ASAP. she asked to do it then but i was not okay (felt faint and had a panic atttacks). i said she can grab it from my house but i cannot leave and she said she can’t even be in the same vicinity as me. eventually we agreed to meet at a public location and her friend is gonna be the one to wait there with my things and get hers. that’s supposed to happen today and i am a huge ball of emotion. i’m currently at work and struggling not to cry while in court. how do i do this? we did both agree we can’t be friends while we still have romantic feelings. i don’t want to lose her or the chance to try again in the future. what do i do.
Hi Allie.
I know you’re scared, but you have to go full no contact with this person. You can’t continue to interact and expect her to come back around. She needs much moe than time to want you back. She has to live her life for a while and realize that she won’t be happy without you. This may, of course, not happen, so work on letting go of hope.
Once you’ve exchanged belongings, do your best to avoid her and concentrate on healing. You’ll see her differently when you regain control over your thoughts and feelings.
Kind regards,
Zan
After 25 years my ex contacted me out of nowhere. I accepted his friendship and allowed him back into my life. He came on super strong wanting to be connect telling me how much he had missed me and how I was the one who had got away. I let him back in. As Time passed he then told me there was no spark and that he wanted to be friends all the while telling me how beautiful and sexy I am. I tried to be just friends with him but it tormented my heart. 17 days ago I told him I did not think it was possible for us to be friends. He ceased all communication with me I have not heard from him since. So I am on day 18 of no contact and I feel terrible. I feel so upset everyday and feel so depressed. But each time I consider contacting him I stopped myself because all I have left is my dignity. I’m hoping that this will get better. I came across your article and thank you so much for your helpful words. No contact is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do with someone who I fell in love with over 25 years ago, then let go and then allowed him back into my life only to fall back in love with him.
Thank you.
PS – since reconnecting with this man it has been over a time period of 14 months. The only conclusion I can come to is that he was going through something traumatic in his life 14 months ago. I think he was trying to recapture the love and happiness that we had over 25 years ago – he just wanted to feel that magical way again.
And then when he didn’t need that feeling anymore he moved me to the back burner. When I finally called him on it about a month ago that’s when he told me there was no spark but he thought I was so beautiful and sexy and so special to him. And he didn’t want to ruin it by becoming involved with me again romantically but that he wanted to stay friends because I was so special to him.
Being on the back burner is not enough for me so I told him 17 days ago I didn’t think we could be friends.
My heart feels broken. No contact is so hard. But I feel in my heart of hearts that is the best and only way to move forward.
Hi Gretchen.
Thanks for sharing your story. I also think your ex came back to take something from you. Whether it was validation or support, he didn’t love you. He wanted you to love him to boost his ego. He came back for the wrong reasons rather than because he wanted to work on the relationship and build something with you.
It’s a shame you got attached to him just for him to do this to you. I hop you stay away from him forever. There are people who can give you what you want.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thank you for your words. It is truly disheartening to know he is so selfish.
Love myself 🙂
More power to you, Gretchen!
It’s uncanny how true all of this is. I’m in the depression stage at the moment and it’s actually very annoying as I’d like to be in the recovery stage asap.
I’m still in no contact and have never contacted her since the breakup (2 months ago) but have responded to a few breadcrumbs she threw out. I think I handled them well and continue on in NC.
I feel now, I would not go back to her if she wanted to, as I have removed her off the pedestal she once sat on and can see her for who she really is. She is classic EU due to an abusive past so I realise it’s not all her fault. I made the mistake of thinking I could be the one to change her but now understand it has to be her choice to ever change herself. I’m so happy I’ve come across this site as the articles I’ve read, although harsh but true, have helped me understand so much more.
Thank you Zan.
Hey, I am so glad that I found this article. It’s shed so much light on my own situation and I feel like I understand what’s going a lot better than before.
Another thing is: When I get things in motion, and it starts to feel good – practicing the components of this article (amongst others), I sometimes get overwhelmed with frustration at how I didn’t do this before, I guess when “it mattered”.
Kind of self-beration with “why didn’t you just do this before!” it feels good, and makes others feels good.
I know that it matters now for myself, and the future, and doing it for myself is what matters really – but sometimes it’s hard to find a way to approach or have a coping mechanism for the self-beration around this issue.
I’m a recurrent dumpee, always getting ‘the girl’ to fall deeply in love with me but driving her away over time due to my own lack of self-compassion, emotional distance and failure to open up. After the most recent one, I feel rock bottom – in the ‘extreme melancholia’ phase as you put it. This is especially as I told myself I would not get into this situation again the last time it happened.
But this article has been the most motivating out of any I’ve read online – thank you so much.
Hi Zan,
I almost never comment on articles that I read, but I had to reach out and express my gratitude for this one. I have been reading so many self-help articles, books, and blogs on the topic, but this has been (by far) the one that has helped and resonated the most. Thank you so much for your thoughts!!
Hi Jess.
Thank you for the comment.
It makes me happy that the article was able to help you. 🥰
Best regards,
Zan
We were together for 14 years and had 3 kids together. I truly believed she was my soulmate. We had great times and we had some times we argued but I never would have dreamed that she would leave. The last year we were together was hard. We were always together but seldom talked and when we went to bed it felt that we were miles apart. We were together for so long we were still friends and sometimes we played and had fun but nothing romantic. She told me she felt more like roommates, wanted space, but wanted to remain best friends. The first couple weeks after the breakup I did good only because I was delusional and believed she would come back. I texted her a few times throughout the day to remind her I was there and to check on here but she usually ignored me or replied with one word answers. About a week ago she told me she was texting a new guy she met online. After I heard that I totally freaked out and made every mistake known to man. I chased her, surprised her with gifts, texted her non stop, left her hand written letters telling her how much I love her and she’s my world, went on social media and liked everything of hers and shared sad stuff just to get a response, and pretty much begged for one more chance. A couple of days ago she told me that I’m freaking her out, smoothing her, and if I can’t give her space to figure things out she doesn’t want to be friends either. I’m a mix of stage 1 and 2. The depression is real I sit and cry, over think everything she says, I’m never hungry and when it’s time for bed I lay there and replay the last 14 years in my head. I just found this no contact rule today and I want to try it. I pray it’s not to late because I truly love her. I hope this is just a mid life crisis she’s going through especially since her mother passed away a few months ago. That’s why this hurts I was there to comfort her in her most painful and trying time. I would never cause her the pain and fear I’m currently feeling. If anyone has advise please feel free.
Hello Graham. Its been a while now…How are YOU(cause you are the one that matters) doing ?
Hi Scott,
I can relate my ex and I divorced last year after 11 years together we have 2 kids. We are still living in the same house. We haven’t told the kids yet. The pandemic kind of put things on hold. I just found out she’s talking to other guys and I was crushed. I have been living in denial the last year about getting back together. I acted and did the same things you did.
Hey man what ever ended up happening
Zan:
I really like your posts.
I have a good luck/bad luck story – I lost my cell phone. That’s bad luck. The good luck was having a reason not to replace it for my ex who devastated me. For my friends and colleauges, I’ll get a new cell with a new number.
I can’t avoid my ex totally – no contact rule aside – because we have to communicate about our kids. But I have found not being easily accessible really empowering.
Your posts give a lot of helpful advice. Really great blog. It’s been a tough time, but your posts give a lot of hope.
Thank you, Your Grateful Fan
Hi Grateful Fan.
I’m glad that the articles are helping you find peace and clarity.
Try to communicate with your ex only when you need to. By doing so, you will avoid unnecessary setbacks.
Best,
Zan
Hey fellow dumpees everywhere.
My relationship with my future ex wife ended over a year ago. Her behavior during the breakup period was very extreme and it seemed to me it was means to push me away. Sadly, she is the mother of my 2 kids, so we have to keep in touch, and, thus, it’s probably harder to move on in comparison to a breakup with no kids.
Throughout the time from the breakup, I tried to give the possibility of getting back together many chances, and she took advantage of it and used the fact that I loved her to manipulate me and boost her ego. After the ugly part of the breakup (her being a crazy b***h and me viewing her as an unstable manipulative narssicist), she suddenly started being nice to me: greeting me with good evening or happy holidays added to massages regarding the kids, smiling when we meet when bringing the kids to each other. Up to that moment I thought she was miserable and unstable, and therefore wasn’t angry at her, but ever since her being nice again, I started to get angry. I got depressed and felt humilated every time we met. For the last few months she has a new boyfriend (she started dating shortly after the breakup). Maybe that’s what changed her behavior. About 6 weaks ago, I started insisting that we communicate strictly on the kids’ matters, and that change in communication made me feel much better. I guess that’s when I started the no contact approach.
I’m not depressed as before but I still think about her and don’t look for dating new women. I’m trying to figure out when will I finally move on, or what I should do to move on.
Thanks!
Hi,
I am on the first stage of no contact. I was in a toxic relationship, where Everytime I tried to make things better I failed, in a way jarring my confidence. I wasn’t appreciated much by my partner, and I gave him the same treatment as well. There was trust issues too. Finally, our attitudes gave in and it could no longer hold it together. But, I was naive to to think that no matter what he would still be there. But, unfortunately one day after I came from a long holiday, he fought and verbally abused me on phone that I am cheating and thus he’s dating someone as well, which left me heartbroken. He blocked me and resolved never to talk again.
Initially, I tried to comfort him saying what he is thinking is far from true. However, after the grieving stage which lasted for a few days, I am gaining more clarity and perspective of life. It feels like a whole new world, especially since I was obsessed and addicted in a toxic relationship. However, I still feel that we are meant for each other and he realizes it, and this time is giving us a chance to heal and recuperate.
Though I feel better. I am still unsure whether I should hope anything at all. Or just embrace and move on. Since I live in a new country, leaving my family behind, I feel I am a little more vulnerable. But I know, there is nothing to be afraid and have regained my confidence from what I was.
Should I ever contact that guy again who holds no respect or care for me in his heart, because of his crooked behavioural tendencies. Or would he move to his next target, forgetting me.
I feel relieved and bad at the same time. 🙂 So it’s a weird situation which I hoped for, but pretty much didn’t expect would happen.
It’s been 2 months since the break up. I’ve attempted and failed no contact 3 or 4 times now. We last spoke yesterday when I attempted friendship with him and failed miserably (I called him and texted him numerous times and asked if he’s seeing someone else) he said “how to you expect someone to change and try and put a cap on how much time that’ll take” I never asked him to change, sure we had issues but I never thought they were bad enough to break up after 2 1/2 years. I’m starting no contact again and he was still nice to me even after all this time. He said he cared for me and if he didn’t care he would have blocked me but I know I pushed him away even further. Every other attempt at no contact was solely for him to come back to me but this time I truly want to take a better approach. I want to be happy alone. I want to be truly secure and happy without help from the validation of a relationship. I want to have an exciting life before I being anyone else into it be that my ex or someone new. I want to exhaust all personal growth practices and strengthen my mental bc I never want to feel like this again. I know it’s human to be broken after a break up, but the depths to where many of us allow our minds to go is unhealthy. I hope we all heal and can be great
Hi Nalah.
Failing no contact doesn’t mean the end of the world. Start following it again and work on strengthening your mental strength. This is the only time that you have to do it to last you a lifetime.
You can do it!
Best regards,
Zan
After the 8 days, I broke NC for the 3rd time I guess…. I am in a horrible stage now 🙁
Hey Donana,
If you see this, I wonder if you could share here, if you are doing/feeling a bit better now?
I was wrecked after being dumped in early September, and made some mistakes which only refreshed the pain in the early weeks afterward. It was like a nightmare.
Now beginning to feel a bit calmer (though still sad), I am finding it helps to reach out to others and attempt to be supportive if possible.
So, if you see this, perhaps you could share what stage you are at now?
Sincerely,
Ava
Hi Eunicedoan.
Thanks for commenting.
Work on losing hope and do the things that make you happy.
You’re gonna be fine. Just focus on getting over him for now.
Stay strong!
Zan
Hello Zan,
It’s weird how close my situation is from your example ahah
I’m slowly but steadily improving myself and I’m trying to be a better person (I’ve been hiting the gym for 1 weeks straight).
It’s actually been 2 month since the breakup occured and during the depression stage (1 month after break up) my ex reached out to get her stuff back. I wasn’t prepared for it and when we saw each other I “lost it” and took all the blame on me (Told her everything was my fault, and made things way bigger than they were) (and I already made some mistakes, when she broke up).
Since then, I blocked her on everything, so I won’t be tempted to look at what she become or what she does.
But, sometimes I think about what my ex is doing, how she acted during the break up and it hurts me and I feel like it make me regress.
How to stop this behavior?
Furthermore, since I blocked her on everything (and she knows it), I feel like she will never contact me ever again since she saw how pitiful I was (depression phase) and that I blocked her.
I actually don’t know if I want her back.
She was my first serious relationship, and I feel like (a lot of dumpee ahah) that we could have gone way further.
great post Zan.
You have a really good perspective and take on things. Your articles provide the correct template for the proper way to heal and evolve and use a breakup experience as an opportunity to work on personal development and improve as a person (or at least become a more authentic version of yourself). I have found your articles very helpful. Keep up the great work!
Thanks, Nick!
People such as yourself are the reason why I do this.
Best of luck!
Zan
Almost a year since the break up and nine months of no contact. What is weird, even his friends has said to me they miss me… A friend of his married recently and someone told me “It seems weird but I felt you should be there at the wedding. You know what I mean”. But I think is only because the new girlfriend (he started dating her three weeks after the break up) monopolizes him more than me. When I am dating someone I like him to take care of his friends. I was the kind of girlfriend that if he was dining with friends and wrote to me I will say “I love you too. Have fun! Don’t be the person that is always with the mobile phone hahaha”.
I have done a lot of things, I am happy with my life but I still miss him a lot. I have accepted we will never be together again, I don’t think he will come back and he treated me terribly after the breakup. I don’t know if I could trust him again. And I don’t want to be afraid in a relationship.
But lately I have felt so lost. Sometimes I think I just want him, maybe in a few years, to look at me once and think “Maybe I made a mistake”. But I don’t know how to do that. I have read advice from other coaches and they tell you that if you are a woman, the only way to make him question his decision is your appearance. I am all for improving but when I was dating him I already was doing exercise, dressing well etc Of course you can always improve but I find that advice a bit sad and it makes me feel “powerless” and limited.
I know I should move on, do the things only for me etc. But when your heart is broken, as sad as it sounds, the only thing that makes you feel better is to use your motivation for something. Some days the only thing that makes me feel better and do things is to become a woman “worth regretting for”, but then you read some advice and feel worse and don’t know where to start or if you are doing things right. I would love if you make more posts about this.
Hi Irina.
Your ex showed you what he’s made of when he no longer cared about you. This is the real person you used to date. Unempathetic, rude, impatient and selfish. The time apart should make you figure out if you’ll really want him back in the future.
Forget what coaches tell you and give the following advice a try. It will benefit you as well as raise your value. “The best revenge is massive success.” — Frank Sinatra. Success is what creates emotions of envy and jealousy. Looking pretty does indeed raise your value as a woman, but if that were all it took, life would be very bland.
Instead of spending countless hours in front of a mirror, improve in the following areas of your life:
– education
– profession and finances
– social circles
– dating life
– overall enjoyment and appreciation for life (hobbies, activities, interests…)
If you do this, the rest will fall in place and you won’t think about how to impress your ex, but rather yourself.
I’ll keep your post recommendation in mind. Thank you!
Kind regards,
Zan