He Ended It But Still Contacts Me

When a guy ends a relationship with you but still contacts you, he either doesn’t know what your post-breakup needs are or doesn’t care what your needs are. Either way, he’s messaging you because he wants to be your friend and expects you to want that too.

Little does he know that communication confuses you, empowers you with hope, makes you obsessed, prolongs your healing, and gives you a lot of anxiety that could have easily been avoided. To avoid making things more difficult for you, your ex just needed to leave you alone and let you deal with separation anxiety and other problems that demand more than enough of your time and energy.

But because your ex didn’t know you had enough on your plate and that you needed time to yourself, your ex took the liberty to reach out. He thought you were doing fine otherwise you would have contacted him and shown him you needed him.

But that’s not what strong dumpees do. Dumpees with decent self-control usually stop communicating with dumpers so they can heal and also give their ex enough time to think things through. They follow the rules of no contact and let their ex experience life without them.

That’s how they heal from rejection and let their ex see their strength and worth. Unfortunately, dumpers don’t always know what dumpees want or don’t want. They don’t understand that dumpees don’t want to speak unless it’s about getting back together.

That’s why they often breadcrumb their exes and make them think they might get back together if they stay in touch and remain on their best behavior.

Now that the breakup has happened and your ex is contacting you every so often, you need to understand that your ex isn’t thinking about getting back together. That might have been the case if your ex showed interest in you and said he wanted to see you.

But if your ex didn’t do that, your ex has different plans for you. He wants to get the only benefit he can still get out of you. And that, dear reader, is friendship. Friendship can let your ex keep you around as a phone pal and help your ex move on without any shame or guilt.

It can give your ex just enough access to your life for your ex to see that you’re doing fine and that you’re still willing to talk like nothing had happened. Communication can tell your ex that he hasn’t hurt you and that it’s safe and morally acceptable for him to move on and start dating someone else.

I’m not saying you should make him feel guilty and sorry for what he did, but you probably shouldn’t be helping him. It would be unfair to help a person who left you move on with a clean conscience while you’re dealing with bigger problems on your own.

You did more than enough for your ex throughout the relationship and by staying loyal until the end. There’s no need to put your health in danger just so your ex can have a familiar person to talk to. You signed up for a relationship, not friendship. So technically, you don’t owe him anything.

All you should do is be brave enough to tell the guy that you’re not interested in talking because talking will open his eyes and encourage him to finally leave you alone

So if the guy you dated ended the relationship but still contacts you as if everything’s okay, know that you don’t have to settle for friendship if you aren’t ready for it. You can just tell him that you’ll need some time to yourself and that you’d appreciate it if he didn’t reach out anymore.

That should instantly fix half of your problems. The other half will take some time as they’re about healing and detachment.

This post is for dumpees who wonder what to do if their ex contacts them after ending a romantic relationship with them. We’ll also discuss why dumpers contact dumpees so often and when they normally stop reaching out.

Why does he contact me if he ended it?

The reason why your ex is contacting you after ending the relationship with you is that the guy doesn’t consider the end of the romantic relationship to be the end of all types of relationships (including friendship). He believes that he merely downgraded from the relationship to friendship and that you’re happy to stay in touch.

Because he doesn’t know or care how you feel, he thinks it’s perfectly normal to stay friends with exes after the breakup and that he’s welcome to contact you and talk about unimportant matters.

A guy like this doesn’t know how breakups work and what you need to recover from the pain the breakup and his behavior have caused you. That’s why he’s just being his ignorant self and making the breakup difficult for you.

You need to protect yourself from his behavior as fast as possible so that you don’t stay friends with him just because it seems like the virtuous thing to do. You may be a good person, but if your ex doesn’t do what’s best for you, you can’t let him keep hurting you.

You need to respect yourself and do whatever it takes to step away from your ex and block off any reminders of the past. This will maximize your healing and tell you that your ex is of no use to you after breaking up with you. He’s actually a hindrance, so he needs to stay away from you for your own good.

Many dumpers contact their exes after the breakup. Most want some kind of acquaintanceship that lets them reach out once in a blue moon. They don’t even want friendship or constant communication, but rather the green light to communicate whenever it’s convenient for them. Normally, they reach out when they’re curious, bored, or have something to share.

But other times, they also reach out to appease guilt, obtain forgiveness, or get rid of some uncomfortable emotion. Dumpers can also experience unpleasant emotions. Those emotions aren’t as intense as dumpees’ emotions, but they can feel intense enough for them to want to confide in their ex.

The reason they confide in their ex is that their ex used to be very close to them. Their ex understood them on an emotional level and can, as a result, help them deal with whatever issue they’re dealing with. Once they receive the help they need, they then usually disappear for a while.

It could be for days or even weeks or months.

But even though dumpers want a bit of communication, don’t forget that they still value privacy, freedom, and independence. If they receive too much attention, they don’t consider their ex to be a clingy friend but a clingy ex-partner who smothers them and doesn’t understand that the relationship has ended.

That kills whatever respect they have left for their ex and move on.

So if your ex ended things with you and still contacts you, bear in mind that your ex wants a special kind of friendship with you. This friendship has to have open communication channels, but very limited or specific communication. If your ex senses that you’re getting too close, your ex will likely distance himself from you out of self-respect and self-protection.

That will push-pull you back and forth and force you to think about your ex’s behavior for days.

The guy should know that after he’s ended a relationship with you, he shouldn’t be contacting you anymore. He should be understanding of what you’re going through and give you enough space to heal from the shock.

The only time he should reach out is if he changes his mind about the breakup or if there’s some kind of emergency or important topic that concerns you both.

But anyway, here are 5 reasons why he contacts you when he ended the relationship with you.

When do dumpers stop reaching out?

Usually, dumpers stop reaching out when they get what they need from you. If they feel guilty, they stop reaching out when they assuage their guilt. And if they feel sad, anxious, or depressed, they stop reaching out when they feel better or when they find someone else to rely on.

Most dumpers stop communicating (frequently) when they find another person to date because that person becomes their new favorite person and distracts them from the past. He or she makes them feel good, and therefore, becomes their new go-to person.

Only dumpers who are struggling to connect with new people, those who want their exes around as friends, and those who have a lot of unprocessed emotions such as guilt keep contacting their exes after finding someone else to date. But even they tend to eventually get tired of reaching out.

They become gradually estranged, so they shift their focus onto people they interact with more and feel more connected with. Those people make them feel excited to communicate whereas their exes become less important. This is normal because friends and exes who don’t have close relationships tend to grow apart. They go from communicating weekly to biweekly to monthly, and sometimes completely fall out of touch.

How much they communicate depends on them and the things happening in their lives.

For example, if something reminds them of each other or if they need advice or emotional support, they deepen their bond and stay in touch a bit longer. But if ex-couples find someone else to date and have a decent relationship with that person, they don’t think about each other very much.

They don’t need to because they’re preoccupied and have good support systems.

Generally speaking, you can expect your ex to stop reaching out (or reaching out less frequently) when:

• you tell your ex to stop reaching out
• your ex sees that you’re not interested in communicating
• your ex starts dating someone else
• your ex relieves guilt and stops being curious about you
• your ex finds a new partner or people to confide in

Some dumpers continue to reach out for months after the breakup but they do that because their dumpees don’t stand up for themselves. They just let them do what they want, so they breadcrumb them for as long as they want.

That’s not good because every time they receive a message or call from their ex, they become more attached to their ex. And when they become attached, they make it harder on themselves to let go of their ex and meet someone else.

What should I do if my ex ended the relationship but still contacts me?

If your ex ended the relationship but still contacts you, you need to be brave and tell your ex to give you space and stop contacting you. There’s no better way to stop your ex from reaching out than to directly tell your ex that.

Say that you need some space and that you don’t want to communicate at this point.

Your ex should understand why you need space and that he needs to give it to you immediately. If he doesn’t know where you’re coming from and resists your wishes, say it’s best for your well-being and wish your ex well.

And if your ex keeps reaching out after that, ask for space once again and end the conversations right away. There is simply no need to talk to your ex because healing is your top priority. Most dumpers stop reaching out when you tell them once or twice and warn them you’ll have no choice but to block them if they keep communicating with you.

But if they don’t take you seriously (and don’t have some kind of mental health issue) after you’ve explained things to them, then you can just block them. You need to put yourself first.

Did someone you dated end the relationship but continued to contact you afterwards? Did you tell him to stop reaching out? Post your experiences and tips below.

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Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.