When Does An Ex Start To Miss You?

Most dumpees want to know how long it takes for an ex to start to miss you. They want to know whether their ex misses them already and if they need to do something to make their ex want to be with them.

If you’re one of those dumpees, you need to understand that an ex starts to miss you when he or she has a reason to miss you. The dumper needs to have some kind of epiphany that causes the dumper to believe that the path he or she chose isn’t very good for his/her well-being and that you used to provide better support, more love, and a stronger desire for connection and mutual growth.

That’s when your ex can become nostalgic and start to miss you and everything you brought to the table.

If you expect your ex to miss you for no reason just because it would be convenient for you, you’re setting yourself up for failure because your ex won’t do that. Something painful and self-reflection-worthy must first happen to your ex for your ex to have an aha moment and think and feel positively about you.

Sure, your ex could have occasional moments of doubt (most likely in the first month of the breakup), but you don’t want your ex to message you to tell you that he or she misses you because of that. If your ex does reach out because of doubt or some other insignificant reason, your ex will talk to you to entertain nostalgia and then stop talking to you once he or she no longer feels a desire to reminisce.

So before you start hoping to hear from your ex that he or she misses you, bear in mind that there are two kinds of missing. There’s missing a person and missing a romantic partner.

1. The first kind is the most common one. It happens when the dumper feels guilty or doubtful or still feels a bit attached to the dumpee. A good example of this would be the dumper reaching out to say he misses his ex without actually wanting to get back together. The dumper could say things like, “I miss you a lot. I just wanted to let you know that, and I hope you have a great day!”
2. The second kind of missing, however, is much less common. It’d be fair and probably a bit too hope-murdering to say it’s quite rare. A dumper who misses you romantically doesn’t just miss your absence, but also the value you add to the relationship. This means that he or she doesn’t miss you as a person – because you’re gone, but also because he or she wants you to invest in him or her emotionally and in every possible way.

The first kind of missing has no expectations whereas the second one has many. It’s usually difficult to tell them apart due to hope and anxiety, but if you observe your ex and see what he or she is trying to obtain from interactions with you, you can figure your ex out and decide whether to talk to your ex or end the conversation there and then.

Now that you know that not every “I miss you” from the dumper means your ex misses you romantically, you have a very important decision to make. You have to discern whether your ex has romantic feelings for you or some other reason for telling you that he or she misses you.

Today, we’ll answer the question, “When does an ex start to miss you?” We’ll also give you some tips on what to do when your ex doesn’t miss you romantically.

When does an ex start to miss you?

It’s unlikely that your ex will start to miss you right after the breakup. Your ex will probably feel relieved and happy at first as most dumpers do. Most dumpers feel emotionally exhausted and think that they don’t have a choice but to distance themselves from their ex and enjoy their life in ways that they’d been wanting to.

Seldom do dumpers not feel relieved. When that happens, they’re normally depressed or have some other problem to address.

But exes normally start to miss you when you stop missing them and showing you need them. That’s when dumpers have enough space to start wondering about you and wanting what they can’t have and used to have in the past.

Mind you that your ex won’t miss you just because you gave your ex space. If your ex is resentful and immature, your ex will likely stay bitter for quite some time because your ex will focus on the bad aspects of the relationship.

But if your ex respects you and encounters some kind of problems (let’s say he or she gets dumped), then your ex could miss the way he or she felt when you were together and doing well as a couple.

This, of course, depends on the kind of problems your ex encounters and how your ex deals with those problems.

Some of the typical problems that could make an ex miss you are:

• relationship problems
• breakups
• (mental) health issues
• financial problems
• a lack of emotional support
• and anything that makes your ex reflect

The worse your ex’s life is, the bigger the chance that you’ll cross your ex’s mind and trigger his or her cravings for comfort and safety (aka a better life). That’s why you need to give your ex enough space and time to enjoy life (and experience issues) and allow your ex to think about you.

Your ex could also start to miss you when your ex sees you with someone else. Seeing that you’re in love and moving on could make your ex compare himself or herself to your new partner and become jealous. But for that to happen, your ex would need to have a lot of respect for you, have low self-esteem, or be very competitive.

Not a lot of dumpees get jealous, though because they lack romantic expectations of their ex.

Exes usually miss their dumpees when their plan doesn’t go according to plan. In other words, they become nostalgic when they think they’ll be happier without their ex and are proven otherwise. That’s when they’re forced to accept reality and face the consequences of their actions.

With that said, here’s when an ex starts to miss you.

Can an ex miss you without getting hurt?

An ex can miss you without getting hurt, but your ex would have to reflect willingly. And let’s be honest, most people don’t reflect willingly. They start thinking and improving themselves only when they have a strong incentive for doing that.

A strong incentive is anything that affects their self-esteem and makes them afraid for their safety, health, and happiness.

So if you’re hoping that your ex will reflect voluntarily, know that your ex has to be extremely mature, self-aware, and understanding of his or her post-breakup emotions. Your ex has to want to reflect, unlike most dumpers who are forced to reflect.

Personally, I haven’t seen many dumpers reflect of their own accord. Most of them had no choice but to reflect because some painful or inconvenient situation forced to them reflect. They knew that if they didn’t make some big internal changes that they would suffer and/or continue to suffer.

That’s why I strongly encourage you not to pin your hopes on miracles (situations that have small chances of success). It’s much more likely that your ex will have to discover your worth and miss you the way you want him or her to miss you (romantically) the hard way – by failing in some important way and maturing.

You don’t know if your ex will ever grow, but you have to give your ex a chance to explore the world anyway. You have to do it no matter how badly you want your ex to miss you and want to be with you.

If you don’t give your ex space, you’ll make your ex miss you even less. That’s because you’ll display some very unattractive traits and guilt-trip and suffocate your ex.

What to say when an ex misses you?

When an ex says that he or she misses you, whatever you do, don’t lose your self-control and profess your undying love to your ex. Your ex may miss you, but as we’ve discussed, your ex may miss you in ways that mean nothing to you.

If you immediately say “I miss you too,” your ex will receive your validation right away and might not need to talk to you anymore. That will leave you feeling used and confused and hurt you unnecessarily.

So before you tell your ex that you miss him/her too, figure out what made your ex say that to you. Getting to the bottom of your ex’s sentimentality will help you keep your hopes low and allow you to handle your ex’s words adequately.

Handling them adequately means that you either stop your ex from breadcrumbing you or let your ex get back with you.

If you need help with what to say to an ex who says “I miss you,” you can just say something like, “What made you say that? How come you miss me?”

Your ex’s response will then tell you everything you need to know, including whether to keep talking to your ex or shut your ex out of your life.

If you learn that your ex doesn’t care about you romantically, you can say you appreciate him/her telling you that but that you need space and don’t want to communicate anymore.

But if you learn that your ex is regretful and loves you, then you can wait for your ex to suggest meeting up and after that, discuss the things you need from your ex to trust him or her. If you don’t make your ex earn your trust back, your ex could leave again and make you feel foolish for taking him or her back.

It might be a good idea to be careful about an ex who says the things you want to hear as not all exes mean the things they say. Many of them don’t even understand that they’re giving you false hope and hindering your detachment process.

That’s why you have to take charge of your post-breakup life and shoo them away when they say things romantic partners (not exes) should say.

Can my ex’s missing turn into something more?

Your ex can go from missing you to loving you. It has happened to some of my clients before. But I’d like to warn you that you needn’t stay in touch with your ex for that to happen. You don’t need to communicate with your ex for your ex to realize your worth.

In fact, communication usually kills attraction because the dumper can alleviate guilt and take his or her sweet time exploring other options. It goes without saying that dumpers find their ex more appealing when their ex depicts confidence and self-esteem.

These traits leave the best impression on dumpers because they make dumpers see that their ex doesn’t need them to move on and live a fulfilling life. All their ex needs are supporting friends and family members.

So if you’re thinking of staying in touch with your ex after your ex has said that he or she misses you and/or loves you, I strongly urge you not to. Settling for friendship will put you in the friend zone with your ex and make your life much more difficult than it is right now.

The best way to handle any kind of breadcrumb from your ex is to take your ex’s ability to breadcrumb you away the moment your ex reaches out. Instead of entertaining your ex and letting your ex confuse you, you must let your ex know that you’re not ready to be friends and that you’ll let him or her know when or if you are.

That will let your ex know you’re not going to fall for hope-giving sweet talk and that you respect yourself too much to tolerate it.

Don’t be afraid to take back control and stand up for yourself. Your ex may not like it, but he or she will respect you much more if you put your foot down and show (not say) you’re an all-or-nothing kind of person.

Did you enjoy reading this article? Did we leave anything out? Let us know what you think about exes who tell you they miss you or love you. We’ll get back to you soon!

And also, if you’re looking for 1-on-1 breakup coaching and want our help analyzing your breakup and guiding you, visit our coaching page to check out our services.