Sometimes guys break up with their girlfriends because of depression. They express that the breakup is not their girlfriends’ fault and that they have some things to figure out on their own. But the truth is that they’re only being half honest.
They’re “forgetting” to mention why they fell out of love and what kind of behavior or attitude made it hard for them to redevelop their romantic feelings. I supposed telling the truth would make them feel even more depressed as they’d hurt their partners and bring a strong undesirable reaction out of them.
That’s why depressed dumpers don’t go into detail too much.
They don’t explain that their exes drained their energy and made them feel smothered or guilty for not being able to reciprocate their feelings and meet their expectations. Because they ran out of energy, they just take the blame and make it seem like their partners have nothing to do with their loss of feelings even though they know that’s not the case.
They may be depressed, but if their exes hadn’t made them feel unwanted emotions, they wouldn’t have pushed them away. They would have expressed how they felt and looked for solutions to work together despite their mental health illness.
So if your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression, don’t immediately assume that his only issue is his mental health. It’s also you because he associated unpleasant emotions with you and let those emotions suffocate him and affect his feelings for you.
There are many types of depression, but we won’t talk about all of them today. We’ll just make it simple and split them up into two types; long-term and short-term. If your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression that he’s had for months or longer, this can be considered long-term and means that he slowly changed his opinion of you and lost the energy and will to fight.
To him, the relationship became suffocating and tedious, so he thought he needed to get rid of as many stressors as he could. That was the only way he could stop investing time and energy in you and feeling pressured into doing things he didn’t want to do.
However, if your boyfriend broke up with you because he’s been depressed and stressed only recently, then chances are he isn’t really depressed. He could just be dealing with stress and doesn’t know how to handle his stress. Instead of talking about it, he (secretly) blames you for it and thinks you don’t listen or sympathize with him.
This doesn’t mean that he’s depressed and that the only way for him to be happy is to break up with you. It means that he needs to work on improving his coping mechanism and staying in love even if you don’t always reach his expectations.
In this post, we’ll talk about what to do if your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression.
My boyfriend broke up with me because of depression
If your ex-boyfriend has a history of depression or his family members have suffered from depression before, you must consider his depression a serious matter.
You must understand that a depressed boyfriend will break up with you when he thinks that the breakup will help him feel better. To him, breaking up is a self-defense mechanism as he assumes that pushing you away will allow him to focus on himself and prioritize his emotional health.
And that’s what it does. It helps him focus on his issues and lets him not worry about yours. That was why he broke up with you in the first place.
Your ex-boyfriend doesn’t think you can help him with his predicament. He acknowledges the things you’re willing to do with him and for him, but he doesn’t want what you have to offer right now. He feels smothered by you and thinks he should stop feeling smothered before he can work on himself.
The thing about depressed guys though is that they don’t have much if any energy left to work on themselves. They tend to run away from problems and the negative emotions they connect with their exes as solving difficult problems requires a lot of willpower and dedication. They can’t just fix everything they need to fix because they think their exes are a big part of their issues.
You’re probably not doing much/anything wrong, but staying in his life forces him to focus on you rather than himself.
So keep in mind that your depressed ex-boyfriend doesn’t want your help right now. He’s incapable of receiving it and doing anything with it because your presence alone reminds him of the past and drains his limited energy. It tells him you’ll soon want him to reach your standards and meet your needs, so he’d rather not stick around for that.
He’d rather distance himself from you (and probably others as well) and spend as much time alone as possible.
You’d think that a depressed person wants help, but that’s usually not the case. People with depression (especially guys) oftentimes internalize their problems. They don’t like talking about them because that’s how they’ve developed themselves.
People are instinctual
It’s not just people with depression who distance themselves from others. Injured animals tend to follow the same pattern. They prefer to be on their own because that way, they feel the safest.
So if you’re wondering why your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression, here’s the answer you’re looking for. It’s in your boyfriend’s nature to isolate himself and wallow in depression. By distancing himself from you, he can stop worrying about your wants and needs and focus only on his.
Breakups caused by depression are more common than you may think. Depression is so peculiar couples break up because of it and also get back together because of it (because they want help). It’s one of those things that can affect dumpers in bad and good ways.
Sometimes dumpers desperately seek help and other times they do exactly the opposite. Exes who become depressed after the breakup tend to crave a relationship with the dumpee whereas those who leave because of depression want a lot of alone time.
What to do if my boyfriend broke up with me because of depression?
If your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression (and didn’t just pretend to be depressed), his emotional well-being meddled with his ways of thinking and slowly forced him to fall out of love with you. It made him think that he didn’t have enough time, energy, willpower, and love to stay in a relationship with you and that he needed to find happiness without you.
I know you want to help your boyfriend and get back together with him, but as long as he’s depressed, he’s set on leaving. If you try to show him you care about him, he’ll feel disrespected like any other dumper and want even more space and distance.
If he’s the kind of guy who blames himself, he could also feel extremely guilty.
And guilt won’t help him feel closer to you. If anything, it will increase his need for space and make him want to come back even less. So treat his depressed state as any other breakup and take the usual post-breakup actions.
Distance yourself from him physically and leave him alone emotionally. It’s what he needs to stop feeling the negative emotions he broke up with you for.
Whatever your ex blamed the breakup on, he doesn’t want you around. He probably wants to distract himself so he doesn’t see any reminders of you. And that only leaves you with one thing to do. Follow the rules of no contact and let him come to you.
If your ex-boyfriend decided to protect himself from getting hurt, you should too. You shouldn’t feel too bad and think that he’s secretly looking for you to care about him and help him. If he wanted your pity and support, he would have expressed the desire to talk about the things he needed to stay in the relationship with you.
But he isn’t doing that. So focus on your pain rather than his. That way, you’ll exude high levels of self-control and show him that you understand what he’s going through and that you truly care about him.
Why did your depressed ex-boyfriend leave you?
It’s not uncommon to get blindsided by a depressed boyfriend. A breakup caused by depression can be difficult to foresee and interpret. One day, you’re helping your boyfriend with his stressors, and the next, he no longer appreciates your help and wants to be in a relationship.
This can be extremely painful because you feel used and discarded. You feel like your assistance was for nothing and that you’re not good enough for him.
Before you engage in self-blame, though, you need to know that your ex-boyfriend left because he couldn’t communicate his issues and work on his issues alone or with you. Instead of learning more about depression and the way it can destroy commitment in the relationship, he acted on his negative feelings and pushed you away.
He decided that the best way to deal with smothering emotions was to get space from them and not deal with them at all. Such behavior is no different from ordinary dumper behavior. It’s something dumpers do to avoid dealing with a highly emotional situation.
The only difference is that depressed dumpers blame the breakup on their depression whereas normal dumpers don’t. Healthy dumpers tend to make excuses, blame their ex, or just explain why things happened the way they did.
The most important thing you need to understand about breakups caused by depression is that they don’t happen overnight. If your boyfriend broke up with you because he’s depressed or unhappy, you can be certain he didn’t make a quick decision. His unhappiness had been accumulating for days, weeks, or perhaps even longer.
At some point, he started thinking “If I break up with my girlfriend, I can finally start focusing on myself instead of having to worry about her problems. I can be free and spend more time on things that make me feel good.”
That’s why he started to crave a life without you and detached completely.
Imagine how he feels
It might be difficult to put yourself in your ex’s shoes, but think about it this way. Imagine that your shoulder is hurting like crazy and that your boyfriend is trying to help you. No matter what he does, he can’t be of much help.
Weeks go by and the pain hasn’t gotten any better. As a matter of fact, it’s only gotten worse because now you’re getting frustrated as well.
Because of the pain that’s been hurting you for weeks, you’re starting to project your unhappiness onto your boyfriend. It’s not his fault, but the pain is making you feel frustrated, forcing you to appear out of character. You have no idea when (if ever) the pain will stop. You just know that relationship issues are making things worse and that you want to feel understood rather than ignored and annoyed.
Depression works the same way. It often consists of unexpressed emotions that build up over time. Eventually, as the intensity of repressed emotions increases, a depressed person starts pushing people away—even those close to him. He does this because people close to him have a lot of expectations, requests, and sometimes even demands.
They want him to act a certain way even though he’s dealing with a lot of problems at the same time and can’t act the way they want him to act.
As a result, he concludes that he’s better off on his own and that he needs to run away from people to focus on himself. And that’s what he does because running away lifts the burden of too many responsibilities and provides him with a sense of relief.
Will my ex come back when he’s not depressed anymore?
In theory, once your ex feels better, he should once turn into his “normal” self. He should understand that you weren’t the main cause of his issues and that he’s ready to receive and give love. He may not necessarily come back to you for love because he might not let go of old perceptions of you.
But if he dates other people and fails, he could get hurt again and need someone to help him get through rejection.
Eckard Tolle, best known as the author of The Power of Now says; “Pleasure is always derived from something outside you, whereas joy arises from within. The very thing that gives you pleasure today will give you pain tomorrow, or it will leave you, so its absence will give you pain.”
What Eckard means is that people depend on external sources for happiness and your ex will probably as well. He’ll try to be happy for a while and will feel like he is. But when something bad happens (not implying that it will), he could want someone to help him get through his misery.
That someone could be you.
Here’s a picture explaining the difference between internal and external happiness. Most people rely on external things for happiness.
There’s no guarantee that your ex will come back after he’s dealt with depression, but if he starts dating again and gets hurt (or gets hurt in some other way), he could seek solace in you and try to obtain your validation.
It’s unlikely that he’ll come back just because he’ll deal with depression. That’s because he may not let go of the negative thoughts and emotions he associated with you.
So don’t think that he’ll run back to you the moment he feels better. He’ll most likely need some kind of incentive to respect you, love you, and want to be with you.
Did my boyfriend use depression as an excuse to break up with me?
“My boyfriend broke up with me because of depression” is honestly not the only excuse dumpers use. I’ve heard just about every breakup excuse there is and I can tell you that this one is a doozy. It’s different from the rest because it’s tricky to understand and hard to respond to.
It makes you feel powerless with nothing helpful to say and do.
As a dumpee, you likely can’t tell whether your ex-boyfriend is telling the truth or if he’s just unhappy with you. You need to look at signs of depression in order to know whether he’s depressed or not.
Judge him by his pre-breakup and post-breakup behavior. If he’s acting differently now (let’s say he’s going out, partying, meeting new people), he most likely isn’t depressed. He’s just relieved and elated and is going through the stages of a breakup for the dumper.
But if he’s avoiding people, blaming himself, and missing out on sleep, then he’s likely dealing with the real deal and needs a lot of understanding.
It’s not you, it’s me!
If your boyfriend pretended to be depressed, you need to know that he used a very common “It’s not you, it’s me” excuse.” He fooled you into pitying him and leaving him alone so he could do whatever he wanted to do.
“It’s not you, it’s me” is an excuse dumpers use to prevent dumpees from blaming them for the breakup and making things difficult for them.
If your ex is going out a lot, sleeping with other women, and having a good time, he obviously isn’t depressed or having a hard time coping with stress. He’s just enjoying the space the breakup provided and is going to keep doing that until he stops feeling empowered by the breakup.
Whatever he does or doesn’t do, don’t take it personally and try to avoid finding out what he’s doing.
Here’s how you can tell if your ex-boyfriend is telling the truth.
- Observe his actions. Do they match his words?
- Does he appear sad and depressed after the breakup?
- Is he dating anyone or talking to other women?
- Is he saying bad things about you?
- Does he still talk to you or at least try to?
- Is he getting help?
By answering these questions, you’ll have a better understanding of what’s going on inside your ex-boyfriend’s head. Although it won’t help you get him back, it will give you some clarity and perhaps even closure.
My boyfriend broke up with me because of my depression
Let’s reverse roles for a minute. If your boyfriend broke up with you because of your depression, all I can tell you is that you deserve better. If he didn’t care about you when you needed him the most, he doesn’t deserve you at your best either.
I’ve seen this happen many times and it’s honestly very sad. Depression sometimes puts additional weight on a relationship and makes the couple struggle to stay emotionally connected. More often than not, the stronger person eventually loses respect for the depressed person and thinks of him or her as a burden.
By no means does this happen all the time as many relationships work even when both people in the relationship are depressed. Mature couples support each other no matter what emotional difficulties they’re going through. That’s because they’ve committed to each other and know that life isn’t always a cakewalk.
Sometimes we have problems, and we need to have the knowledge and strength to deal with them.
People who leave you when you’re depressed aren’t worth your time
Contrary to happy, mature couples, selfish boyfriends tend to do what’s best for them. They leave their partners at their worst and run off to enjoy their lives to the fullest.
Such people don’t deserve your care and neither should you crave theirs. A dog or a cat will likely provide you with more comfort and security than someone who finds it excruciatingly painful to help his or her partner get through a difficult time.
If your ex left you because of depression, you need to understand that he’s not your ideal partner. He can’t be because someone who leaves when you’re struggling emotionally is in the relationship only for the good times. He’s happy when everything’s fine and unhappy or miserable when he can’t get what he wants from you.
Always remember that people who care about you will stay in your life and come to your aid. They’ll be there for you whether you ask them to or not. Those are real friends/romantic partners. They’re the people who have your best interests at heart and are more than happy to prove that by helping you when you’re feeling down.
I understand that sometimes depression can change the dynamics of a romantic relationship. But leaving a person when he or she is going through something as difficult as depression is a mystery beyond my comprehension.
Surely, they wouldn’t want someone to do the same to them when they’re struggling.
Did your boyfriend break up with you because of depression and you’re wondering why he did that? Share your thoughts below. ⬇️
And if you want to discuss your breakup with us in private and want a faster, more detailed response, check out our coaching options.
My boyfriend broke up with me on Sunday and I can’t stop crying.
We were both survivors of abusive relationships but only I was dealing with the trauma. My trauma was far more recent and his was years old – ontop of that he was dealing with some other personal problems which he asked me to be understand and considerate of, and I was.
I gave him everything and got very little in return. He kept disappointing me by canceling plans last minute and when I finally communicated my disappointment, which we agreed to do, he said I triggered him and caused his anxiety to raise everytime I messaged him. – the thing was he could happily text me when he was horny or just for general speak.
I had a traumatic run in with my ex abusive parenter and needed him. He proceeded to hang out with his friends and cancelled on my twice in a weekend – even the make-up plans he made.
When we broke up he told me the break up was neither our faults, that it was our trauma and he just couldn’t meet my needs, that all he did was hurt me and I deserved better than him. It crushed me because I love him still and wanted to make things work.
He told me we could still be friends but I don’t want that, I told him we couldn’t be. I love him too much to watch him move on with someone else, that want him to be happy but I can’t watch it.
We had planned our future together, about getting an apartment and maybe having kids. My heart aches so deeply and I want him back, but I really don’t know if that’s a possibility.
He could be so selfish and inconsiderate to the point that he did hurt me with his actions, but I always put it down to his own trauma.
For example, he was friends with a childhood bully of mine who really tortured me and he just couldn’t seem to understand why that hurt me. I never asked him not to be her friend just not to bring her up because it brought back a lot of trauma for me. He could never out me first, no matter how much I gave I got nothing in return.
There were times he triggered my trauma too, but I was able to forgive him for it but he says he still hasn’t forgiven me.
I feel abandoned let down – but to hear him sobbing and telling me I deserved so much better than him, that he couldn’t give me what I wanted – even though all I ever asked for was his time – broke my heart.
I want him to be happy and to heal. I want back what we had. I want him back, but I also don’t want to throw anymore good time after bad.
I’m so confused and hurt and don’t know what to do. We’ve only been broken up two days and we’ve gone NC.
I’m in so much pain.
I realised this was recent – I experienced the same just a couple of weeks after you and knew exactly how you felt. In my case my ex associated me with negative memories relating to issues with his son. I was not a perfect stepmother and it ruined his love. Rationally I knew the breakup was a good decision as it shocked me to realise at the same time I was also experiencing a level of depression due to parents being unwell – I never asked for support from him, and felt constantly annoyed as I let his problem take the centre stage. As a result I continued to stay isolated from most people and could be a weight on his shoulder. Despite this understanding I still could not help feeling he was being selfish for not talking things through first. After the breakup he still asked if I was ok and I started opening up on my issues and told him I was also guilty of bottling up issues, was not in the right space to handle his son’s situation better and isolated myself and slowly becoming a weight on him. After I got these thoughts out of my chest I knew I had to move on.I know I am doing all the right thing now – I have exercised regularly; I have decided to get out of my bubble to get a job again to be involved with people/society; I have decided to refresh my wardrobe and look to feel good again about myself. I could sleep and eat better now and could enjoy movie/books. In my heart though there is a very big hole. I wish I can give you a hug because we all need it. I wish you are doing very well now after 20 days. Time does help – just a bit too slow.
I have been writing a journal on everything that happened from the day, how I felt and what my thoughts were in details. I found this method quite useful to minimise the chance of my mind filled up by the same thoughts all the time – it helped me to be less confused, and could progress even though the pain would take a long time to heal. I really feel like talking to someone who is in the same shoes to feel better although I don’t know if that would make both feel better. I don’t want to go out to date because that is simply wrong although I do feel the need to talk – it is a dilemma.
This article is very helpful. Thank you Zan – it helped me to see why he did not try to have a talk to get through issues first. He just knew he couldn’t bear it. This understanding does not help me to fill the hole in my heart though, so sad.
Hi T.
Before you even think about being in a relationship with your ex or anyone else for that matter, you should heal your trauma. This should be your priority other wise your partner is going to make you anxious and force you to overinvest in him and the relationship. You need to realize that a big portion of the pain you feel comes from an unprocessed past and that the worst thing you could do right now is to get involved with another person. I know that’s what your emotions are telling you to do, but it’s not right.
You need to heal before you consider being in a romantic relationship. The same is true for your ex. So stay in no contact, get therapy, and do your best to get over your ex. Things will make much more sense when you regain emotional independence.
Kind regards,
Zan
Dear Zan,
Hope you are keeping well! Your blog & articles truly helps me find my way during these tough times.
My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me a month ago. Everything was going well in our relationship, occasional fights here & there but nothing truly significant. We love each other & I was honestly shocked when he blindsided me with a breakup. He was diagnosed with clinical depression a year ago because of a suicide attempt. His friends had taken him to a psychiatrist & has been on medication ever since! He also had mentioned his friends not to tell me or his family about this suicidal attempt. Ever since I found out about this, I’ve been more understanding of his issues & whenever I ask how he’s doing, he doesn’t like sharing his thoughts or concerns regarding his depression with anyone (not even family). Before the breakup, he ghosted me for a week almost & told me he needs to think about things. I thought he might be depressed so I brought him flowers & food almost everyday although he didn’t want to talk to me; he’d barely looked at me in the face. Over the phone, he broke up with me. He told me exactly this – “I can’t do this anymore, I’ve hit my lowest point. Our relationship feels like a burden to me now. It’s not your fault I promise it’s me. You deserve so much better, you’ll be thankful that I’m leaving you.” He was crying while saying this to me. He also said that the breakup was something he had not thought about earlier, but since a few days only. I kid you not, I felt like my entire world shattered. I thought our love was stronger than this, it’s so crazy. I got to know through his friends that he has now focused more towards religion & has also mentioned that relationships aren’t working for him at all. I also found out that he had stopped medication prior to the breakup because he felt like they weren’t working as he has started getting suicidal thoughts again (he has also written suicidal notes recently, however I’m not sure if this is true or not).
It’s difficult to face a breakup on its own but to also see the man you love go through so much pain hurts more. I wish I could help him, I wish we could be the happy us that we used to be. But I know it’s not possible & it truly hurts. I spoke about this to his psychiatrist as well as his parents. Advised his mum to take him to therapy too! I just don’t know how I can help him because when I did go see him & call him even after the breakup, he didn’t pick up my calls or reply to my messages. He also said he doesn’t want to be friends or see me frequently because that’ll just make moving on harder for him. I have been in no contact since 2 weeks now.
My question to you dearest zan is,
1) Should I be present for him during his hard times as a friend? I know that depressed people tend to push others away but I feel awful for leaving him in such a state.
2) Is there any chance he’ll be back? Does he miss me? I’m scared he will move on from me during no contact & that’ll be the end of our story for good.
3) Do depressed people go through the same stages of dumper’s remorse as others?
4) How do I move on from a relationship that was truly amazing & just broke off due to circumstances?
Sorry for the long message! I’m thankful for your time. Take care!
– Tharu
Hi Tharu.
I responded to you on the other article you commented.
Best,
Zan
Where can I find this answer? My situation is very similar
Hi Stephanie.
You can find my response to Tharu here.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hello, my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday due to depression. He has been depressed for a long time (pretty much our entire relationship which was 2.5yrs) and told me that after I had been gone travel nursing (1 solid month apart) he just spiraled so deep that he didn’t even know if he loved me anymore (he said he just didn’t feel anything about anything). Said all the things I’ve read here like “ it’s really not you” and “I just need to be by myself”. This whole time I thought we were endgame so I am devastated and was so blind sighted. I’ve been there for him this whole time but he never once got help. It’s difficult to read that he has associated me with negative feelings like stressors but it also helps me to understand how we got here. I wish that he felt the way I did (that we can weather any storm together) but this blog will help me to keep looking forward and to let him go. I desperately wish he had gotten help or spoken to me before he decided our relationship was too much work but I also am so angry because it feels like he didn’t fight for us in any kind of way.
Hi Hannah.
I apologize for being so frank, but people with depression don’t just have problems with themselves. Because they have problems, they often look for negatives in others and by doing so, ruin their own relationships. Try to accept that he left because he neglected himself and then also you and the relationship.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi there. My boyfriend broke up with me the other day because of depression. He said he wants to focus on himself and getting back on track. I knew he was depressed, but he didn’t want to admit it for a while. We almost broke up in July but decided to try to work on things. He told me the other day he started to feel bad again recently and he needs to take a break and that he didn’t want to do this because he knew how much it would hurt me and it made him so upset. I know he really cares about me. He told me he didn’t treat me the way I should be treated and I don’t deserve that because I’m an amazing person. And that it was never my fault at all or anything I’m doing. And I also deal with depression but have been getting help and I know how he feels in a way, but I know how to talk about feelings and when things bother me, he doesn’t. I learned a lot of depressed men don’t because they don’t ever really learn how to open up about their feelings. It breaks my heart. I just want him to be happy and I wish I could help him. I told him I’d always be here for him and how much I love him. He told me to focus on myself too and work on myself and whenever I’m sad to use that as motivation. So I’m trying to focus on myself and it actually does motivate me to get myself stable again because if we do end up together again I want to make sure I’m ready and confident and have my life together. Also, we’re 24 so we’re at that weird age where we are trying to figure out jobs and money and trying to move into apartments with our friends. So that all doesn’t help because he said it made him feel overwhelmed and that on top of all that, he didn’t have the energy to give me all the love I deserve. Is it possible he’ll come back to me when he’s feeling ready? Or when he really starts to realize how much he misses me and starts feeling better? It’s been 3 days since we last talked and we have talked everyday for 4 years. It hurts so bad, I have never felt so much emotional pain before. I miss him so much and I just wish I could talk to him and hug him 🙁 it hurts so much. If anyone else dealt with this, what happened? Did you guys talk again? How long did it take? Did you guys stay friends or start dating again? Should I message him in a few weeks asking how he’s doing? I don’t want to lose him forever, I love him so much and I just wish I could help him :((((( please help if you can.
Hi Amy.
He could come back after he’s overcome depression but don’t count on it. If his view of you changed, he might not as he’ll date other people. This is hard to hear, but you need to be aware of that possibility, Amy. Depression may seem like it’s all about him getting overwhelmed and thinking he’s not good enough, but depressed people often associate unhealthy thoughts and emotions with their ex on top of that.
For now, give him the space he needs and focus on yourself. He’ll message you if he changes his mind.
Kind regards,
Zan
My boyfriend of two months became very overwhelmed with events happening in his life that were out of his control. Financial problems and loss of job due to the pandemic. Taking a temporary job he dislikes. His mother became ill which he had to take care of her and his own medical issues. He would say he is stressed, not able to sleep. He is supporting his adult son.
We did not see much of each other face to face due to work schedules and because of the other things above. We talk or text everyday, but then his calls and text were getting father apart. We would talk and he said his son had noticed a change in him of not being happy as usual. Boyfriend mention to me he didn’t want to go to see his granddaughter because he didn’t have the energy. He adores his granddaughter.
We had a great relationship so I thought. No arguments. Just good times when we were physically together.
Our last night together was great. Then the next day he messaged me saying he thinks he needs to go back to counselling and didn’t know what was wrong.
I could see his life spinning out of control and he would say every time we talked his life is F…ed.
and would complain about everything in his life.
I made the decision to leave the relationship, I didn’t want to, but I didn’t want to add to his stress and having to worry about pleasing me. He even apologized for the relationship being one sided that he was sorry for neglecting me for 2 or 3 weeks and would do better. Which didn’t get better.
He did speak with a counsellor and the counsellor suggested he get out of any relationships he is sabotaging.
Boyfriend agreed I should walk away. He said he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore than he already has. And he can’t adult right now. He said he was sorry for things not working out and that he didn’t have the energy to try. I told him I will wait for him while he works things out. He asked me not to go to his house. We have not spoken in two weeks. I did drop a letter off at his home when wasn’t there. To express my support and I got a message to not go to his house. He has not responded to any of my texts or phone messages. I’m at a loss.
Hi Deidre.
Your ex is depressed and is taking the counselor’s advice seriously. I’m not sure why the counselor suggested that, but your ex needs to focus on improving his mental health now. While he’s doing that, it’s best that you stay away from him and give him the space he needs. Work on losing hope and let him message you if he wants to. If he doesn’t get well and improve his perception of you, you’ll move on and find happiness without him. It’s hard to see that right now, but give it some time and you’ll see.
Kind regards,
Zan
Depression often causes breakups, especially if it goes untreated. I recommend the Depression Fallout forum and the book ‘Depression Fallout’ by Ann Sheffield. Know that it is not you. It is not even them. This is what depression is and does, it breaks everything that is beautiful, loving, and good. There is a lot on Quora about ‘why does my DP push me away?’ too. Mentalhealthforum is another option. Very helpful is also storiedmind.com. All the best to all Depression Fallout sufferers. It is the most confusing experience I’ve ever had in my life.
Depression is exactly what I suspect my husband has. He lost his mum, dad, and 2 best friends all in the space of 2 years. I also gave birth 5 hours after his mum passed so I strongly believe he has a lot of emotions that hasn’t dealt with. I know from reading the articles that his decision to leave wasn’t just impulsive and despite his reasons for leaving being that he doesn’t love me anymore or see a future I believe it’s down to depression. He denies he’s depressed but I guess a lot of men do. He hasn’t spoken to anyone about the separation and carries on like nothings happening. I know I can’t fix him so I’m slowly starting to accept he may not deal with it or come back. I’m doing no contact only when I have to speak about the kids etc but he blows hot and cold and accuses me of being uncivil. I don’t give him any bother and I don’t react. I’m just so confused as the best way to be with him if it is depression. Do I just still treat him like a dumper?!
Hi Jaqs.
He’s the dumper no matter what he’s dealing with. I suggest that you talk to him only when it’s about the kids or something important. You don’t need to have small talk with him and be super friendly. You didn’t agree to this. You just accepted the end of the romantic relationship and stopped treating him as the most important person. He needs to know he’s not that person anymore and that you know your worth.
Sincerely,
Zan
How are you feeling? I’m going through the same situation.
Hi there. I’m going through the same thing. I would like to connect and talk about it 🙁 maybe we could help each other
I’m going through it right now. My boyfriend has a terrible relationship with his dad. But he almost doesn’t realize it. His dad bully’s and even choked him, constantly makes him feel like he’s not enough. And he believes him. We’ve been dating for 2 years and a few days ago he broke it off saying he needs to get mentally right and can’t sustain a relationship. I was sad for him and sad for us. Because our relationship is great. I just don’t understand why he wants a breakup not just a break and space. Because I still so badly want to be concidered his girlfriend etc. he says how he wants to be best friends and then later date but I’m so scared we won’t get to do either of those. He’s to sad to even text me back saying that seeing my name makes him feel so depressed and how unhappy he is. I wrote him an extreme long message saying all this about how much I love him and also about how I reallt badly don’t want this to be a breakup especially since we both love eachother SO much. I asked for space but when we do talk for it to be loving. And just to be able to know I’m still the person he wants to be with. But he he couldn’t read it yet because of how much he’s hurting. I sent it before I read this article anyways. I’m just hurting so bad and I don’t want him to throw away something so great. I miss him with everything I have and just a week ago I was so happy and now it all feels so bad
I’m going through the exact same thing. Week into my breakup now. If anyone wants to connect and talk through it together, I would love that because none of my friends have been through this before to really advise :/
I am going through the same thing as of last night. My heart is broken. Let me know if you want to connect and talk.
Looks like we went through this horrible experience on the exact same day. How is it going for you now?
It’s just happening to me he’s been depressed badly and been blocking and unblocking me pushing me away he’s told me he’s drinking to much and needs to love himself but he loves me he has now again blocked me
Hi Jeianne, I’ve been going through this as well. About a month into the breakup now, it was very confusing at first and it wasn’t apparent what my boyfriend wanted. To me, it feels like everything accelerated so fast and I don’t understand where his feelings went. I understand he wants to work on himself and I actually think that’s a good thing. I just don’t know how to stop missing him and start to move on. It doesn’t feel like it was time.
How are you dealing with it?
hello, i’m going through something similar. maybe we can talk privately?
going thru this right now.. a week in today and non contact with him 🙁 i’m so sad and confused… but also can’t even begin to imagine what HE is going through… this is really hard for me…
It has happened to me too. He broke up with me yesterday but wants to stay friends… I saw him on Thursday and although he was already down, it went well. He was so sweet and loving. On Sunday he was still texting me hearts… So now I’m sad and confused. I wanna stay friends but I love him so much… Would that be healthy?
Hey Lily, Alex, Jeanne
How did your stories develop since you posted here?
Thank you for sharing. How did things evolve for you?
Hey, thank you for everything you have written, reading your messages makes me realise that I am not alone in this and there are other people living the exact same thing ! I also dated a guy for six months, had a crazy connection, then he broke it off because he was depressed and lost…. he has a history of depression and grew up without a mother; he has 2 kids from a previous marriage in another country… very difficult situation but the love we felt for each other was intense. I understand why the break up happened because he has too many things to deal with. I feel heartbroken despite understanding why he is pulling away. I am in no contact, its been 2 weeks. Part of me still hopes he will come back when he sorts himself out but part of feels I should cut my losses and move on. How did things evolve for you both ? Did they ever contact you and come back ? There are a lot of stories here about the break up because of the depression (thank you so much to everyone for sharing) but does anyone have a bit more perspective on how these situations actually evolve? Thank you all.
I can relate so much to this. My boyfriend and fiance of 5 1/2 years dumped me last night. He does suffer from depression and anxiety issues and is on medication. Recently, his mother called him up and was very upset that his dad wanted to finalize the divorce with his mother and ever since then he has been distant and all. Last night he sent me a message and said ever since he talked to his mother about the divorce it scares him and he can’t marry me. He said he has thought about about it a lot and he hasn’t been truly happy for a while and doesn’t feel the same as he used to. He did say, “it’s me, not you.” Later on though he said I was a wonderful person and he doesn’t want to lose me. He said it’s been very difficult with his anxiety and depression and feels like he needs to talk to a therapist. Do you think its the depression and anxiety talking as to why he broke up with me? This came as a complete shock to me because because he talked to his mother about the divorce we were perfectly fine.
Hello,
Coming here and reading this article and all these comments, somehow makes me feel better.
I am still grieving right now and will share my story.
I am quite confused and i’m unsure what to do, how to feel, how to react, so writing it down ease my mind.
Me and my girlfriend have been in a long distance relashionship for almost 3.5 years now.
She is from the USA, and i am from France.
We met randomly through a mobile game app, it was totally unexpected and never would have we thought that we could fall in love with someone that way and so far from each other.
At first, we were just casually talking, learning about each others, spending time together everyday, for quite a while and so we basically were friend, best friends.
Then we got really close, and our feelings grew stronger and we decided to take it a step further and be in couple.
It wasn’t my first relashionship but it was my first long-distance relashionship, i was unsure back then how to handle one or if it was even possible to keep.
Ever since that day we moved on to being in couple, every single day, every single moments were the happiest and the best of my life, of our life.
Everything went for the best, and we would travel to see each other during summers and winters.
I would come to the USA, she would come to France, and vice versa.
We really loved each other from the bottom of our heart, and it would only become and grow more and more as days passed.
Even being apart, we would call, videocall, text, watch movies together, listen to musics together, play games, every single day and whenever it was possible.
Despite the timezone and our distance, it didn’t even felt like we were in different countries.
We were committed, we had goals, we had projects, we had a future together.
We spent everyday focusing on our studies, our work, while building our love, our relashionship, looking forward to that future together where we would finally be able to be together.
I was going to move there definitely with her, after we both finish our studies.
But everything, all of that, vanished this Tuesday, 3 days ago.
My girlfriend is actually going through major depression, she also think she might even be bipolar, since her mom is also bipolar.
She already was a bit depressed before this, as she has a really difficult background and childhood.
This COVID situation isn’t helping at all, it changed our life and hurt our relashionship, as we can’t visit each others and our daily life changed.
Everything in our relashionship went well, as usual, until when she started her 2nd year of college in September 2020.
She had to rent another place close to her college.
Her 5 roomates that shares the house weren’t there at all, and due to covid some of them had to cancel the lease, so she ended up paying more bills than she planned before moving.
Her life was stressful everyday since then.
She was alone in a city, with no family, no friends, no roomates, with no boyfriend close to her due to covid.
All she had was work, studies, and she had to learn to pay bills on her own, manage her money and have to worry about it.
She’s turning 20 this June, she’s quite young and have to experience and live all of this.
Even if i was still there as usual everyday for her while being separated by distance, her mental health slowly got worse.
Things between us were still the same as before, we were still loving each other and being happy, but i could tell that it was also slowly changing and getting different, and that she was changing too.
She was getting more and more in depression ever since she moved, and i really tried my best to be there for her, to show her that i care and love her, and that she’s not alone and that i’ll always be there for her, as usual and as i always did since we met.
Everything started to go downhill starting January 2021.
She would text me less, we would spend less time together, she would not reply to me and ignore me, more and more as days passed.
She would be stuck in her bed sleeping all day long, waking up to study, work, eat, then sleep.
She was always tired, feeling irritated, and i occupied a smaller and smaller space in her mind amongst all her problems and stressful and depressive thoughts, even though i tried my best to make her better and happier, but she felt more distant everyday, being colder and colder.
She is doing a psychology degree at her college, and that’s how she realized she might be bipolar and learned more about her symptoms and disorders.
I told her and made her find help and counseling, and so she went into a therapy that her college offer since March 1st, she was really looking forward to it, but it was for like 5 sessions and she told me it wasn’t helpful to her, because it wasn’t really psychologists who can prescribe medications.
It really makes me mad because this probably only made it worse, she probably feel like she can’t be helped at all and lose hope in any help, and it probably played on her mental health again since then.
We barely spoke during this month, and she told me she wanted to break up this Tuesday.
She said she doesn’t love me the same way as before, that she doesn’t feel happy anymore.
She told me it hurts her that she feels that way towards me.
She doesn’t know why she is feeling this way, she is upset because she wish she could give me a reason, she feels guilty that she is wasting my time.
She’s going through a really really hard time and that affected how she felt about a lot of things in her life.
She doesn’t know why she wake up mean and irritated towards me, and that she is afraid she will keep feeling this way and hurt me. She doesn’t feel herself.
She decided to break up because she doesn’t want to keep being with me while she can’t love me to the fullest, and hoping she won’t keep feeling this way and won’t hurt me while going through everything else that is going on in her stressful daily life.
She said she still has a lot of love for me, and care for me more than anyone else she knows, and that she still want me in her life, she wants to be there for me, and she wants me to be there for her, as we were best friends before being boyfriend/girlfriend.
She said she needs time and space to work on herself and she hopes that in time when she feels better, that we’ll try and get back together, when she’ll have a clear fresh mind.
It’s really sad and i was heartbroken that she decided that, but on the other hand i know it is for the best, i only hope she feels better and manage to heal, and be happy.
I obviously hope that we get back together after what she said, and looking back to what we had these past 3.5 years, she is truly a great person, we brought so much happinness to each other and loved each other from the bottom of our heart, we both really were looking forward to a future together.
I’m feeling sad but better as days goes on.
It’s really hard to break up in our situation, so far away from each other.
I regret i couldn’t be there in real life for her when she needed me the most during the past months and due to COVID, i couldn’t give her any physical love and reassure her, but i also know that i did everything i could, i was always there for her, and i made her the happiest girl on this world while i was her boyfriend.
We are going to look for counseling and a proper therapy with proper psychologists that can give her proper help and medications, and after that i’ll let her be and give her the space and time she needs, while still being there for her at any time and whenever she needs me.
I’ll work and focus on myself in the meantime, and will accompany her through this dark tunnel, whether it is as her best friend or her boyfriend, i’ll always be there for her and want her to be happy.
Sorry for this long long essay, but it makes me feel much better writing it down and sharing it.
Much love to anyone who is going through the same situation, we’ll all walk through this together :).
Hi Jeremy,
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s brought me a lot of strength and hope as I’m going through the same thing recently.
If I may ask, how is everything going with you and your girlfriend now?
Best,
Holly